The flu inhabits shibari…

oh for bleeding hell…

Sir and I have been spending some time together. Alot of time actually which is nice. Alot is just… normal time. I made him dinner twice. I even helped him do some laundry. That was an interesting experience. The dryer took for-freaking-ever to dry clothes. I was a little tired but didn’t think anything about it . I have been running on sleep deprived for some time now.

Sir left around eleven. I went to bed. He told me I needed to get some sleep.  So .. i did. I woke up at 2 AM  And I thought to myself.. hmmm something is NOT right in my body. I felt hot and sweaty and … ewwww  like I was going to hurl. So I (being the kind who does NOT like to hurl) tried to go back to sleep. Avoid puking at all costs. 

That is when the too much saliva-y feeling started.

“Oh crap!”

I walked in the bathroom debating with myself if I should actually be debating with myself on throwing up. Everyone tells me “quit fighting it and get it over with you will feel better” . I was thinking this when the chick from the exorcist took over my body and began exorcizing my demons.  Or the spaghetti I had eaten for dinner.  I called in to work I thought I could sleep an hour and go in and have no problem…

Yeah that didn’t happen. I couldn’t even .. lift my head.. walk… anything. I had to crawl just to get back to bed. Did I mention that since i moved back my parents have been out of town. So yes. utterly alone. I get back in bed and remember I still have two anti nausea pills left from my surgery. I crawl to the vanity and take one, then crawl back to bed.  The anti nausea pill didn’t stay long. What else… oh yes the leg cramps from hell. Apparently being deydrated … makes you have leg cramps.

My sister came by brought me some gatorade and coca cola.  She tried to make me chicken broth.. That ended up with the spaghetti and anti nausea pill. I took the OTHER anti nausea pill . which knocked me out. I never knew that I could sleep an entire day. with .. intermittent wakings up to finish exorcize what demons were left in my body.

I texted Sir later in the day. He was a little perturbed that I didn’t tell him what was going on earlier. I just don’t want to burden him with stupid shit this early on .

It is bad enough that I have discovered that I am … a fretter.

I worry about everything.

I worry that I never say the right thing. Worry that I never measure up. Worry that Sir will get tired of my incessant fretting. Worry about cooking for him so much that I over cook something.

He is nothing but kind.. .always tells me I am fine. that I am a good girl. To STOP worrying … To STOP apologizing. I am trying… to stop.

But I think that when someone has been so neglected… so rejected it is hard to not … worry.

Sir is calm and easy going and I am just … not. I am hoping that this is something I can learn from him.

I have been amazingly calm right now.. being sick doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for… worry. Other than ohmygosh … everything hurts…

I think I need a doctor in the house. hehe

30-10

It is for all intents and purposes the marker of my fortieth year.

I would like to say that i am wiser… or something . But all I can say is I am content. Which seems odd given the unusual and bitter turns that my life has taken this last year. I feel a little tired today. But it was really a great day. I woke up on time. I took a long shower. I wore makeup and curled my hair . (unusual for work but did it today) .

Sir was my first text message wishing me a Good Morning and a Happy Birthday. That was really nice.

When I got to work they had decorated my cubie with streamers and balloons it was AWESOME! I got to wear a Birthday Girl tiara all day, and Mindy made me a homemade killya chocolate cake. (yummmy)

I am feeling kind of disconnected. 

Not really sure of myself “relationship” wise. With any of the people in my life. I feel very scattered and unsure of myself. I feel sometimes that I annoy Sir. I am a chronic apologizer.. and I worry, that I am doing the wrong thing all the time. He appears to be very patient with me, trys to understand my fears which tho are unfounded and irrational just … are.

He is always trying to get me to just :relax and be:

Which i am most appreciative of his calm nature.

But I am also unsure of myself around him. Or anyone for that matter. I never know how he or anyone else is really feeling. Alot of this is from the ex and being lied to for so long . I am not really sure when someone or if someone cares about me.

I am trying hard to put away my fears. To do better. To live without questioning every moment. Or worrying that there is someone in the background that has my life and has it better.

Today I have tried to remember all of the things that have been interesting in my life.

30-10 is a milestone.

So for fun .. I am letting go of the worrisome me and posting the quirky.. silly … short of center me-isms.  Hopefully my future Master will like this part of me too.

Born in the 60s.. Alive during the Viet Nam war.

I remember Richard Nixon resigning.

I saw Gerald Ford slip and fall on t.v.

I remember Jimmy Carter being elected.. and his brother Billy and Billy Beer.

I remember the nite John Lennon was shot.

The nite Natalie Wood drowned.

I remember Stretch Armstrong, Rubiks Cubes, Dukes of Hazzard ( I kissed Luke Duke for reals) Wonder Woman and Bionic Woman ( I so wanted to be them) Mostly I just wanted to have cool sound effects and be able to change by turning in a circle.  Jaws! ugh ruined the ocean for me … I will NeVER swim in the ocean because of it.

I remember The Berlin wall coming down. What a day that was . The space shuttle falling from the sky. Getting our first microwave. Beta then VHS. 8 track tapes, cassettes now cd’s WOW!

The Beatles… Joe Walsh… Duran Duran… (can I marry you john taylor?)

Speed Racer was my ultimate crush. Something about white polyester racing uniforms … YUM. Although Trixie needed to be bitch slapped on occasion. All the other little girls had barbie lunch pails.. and there I was with the mach 5 and speedy. I thought for sure he was real, and had full intention of being Mrs. Racer. (hehe)

I know who shot JR.

Doogie Howser, Quantum Leap… toilet papering cars for fun.

punk rock.. THE CLASH… getting the skank on… wooot!

Going blonde … Going RED … Going Brunette.  Sometimes Pink … sometimes green.

MTV when it was about music.

Growing up small town.

Being loved by my grandparents.

running through irrigation water when it was hot in the summer. Picking peaches or cherries off the tree and eating them right there.

Remembering when the world was safe… and gas was 75cents a gallon.

my 1967 1968 and 1966 mustangs. Rebuilding the 68 with my dad. Him teaching me to change a tire… change my brakes… and my oil.

Ball STATE University.

Runnin REBELS victory !!! then defeat… Tark the shark!

Stacey Augamon (sp) picking up my books for me.

Danny Stopka #73 my first real boy crush.

James B my first real love and heartbreak.

Chris– my ex fiance… cheating bastard. taught me how not to trust him or my best friends.. ugh. lol

D- who gave me children.. then took them away. I was a mom for a time and it was a gift. This one is still a learning experience. I am learning to be stronger. Learning to stand on my own. Learning that alone is not a bad thing, or a bad place to start new.

 

in 24 hours

yep the birthday.

I have been dreading and anticipating this.

my family had a small get together. My sister made a beautiful cake decorated with Dragonflys. (my fave)

She also gave me the most beautiful picture frame with dragonflies for pics of me and my friends. Now i just need to find some friends to take pictures with . YIKES . (giggles)

Quarante the french word for thirtyten. I like it i may use it. All my napkins yesterday said 30-10 on them. (hehe) The movement is catching I say.

anywho…  Sir came for the time with the family . Got a giggle from my nephew trying to put a lizard (excuse me gecko which means the same as snake with legs) on me. I am TERRIFIED of snakes .. lizards and… ugh frogs.

It was a nice time. I will write more later.

Good Morning!

Well, the last of the house is packed up and removed. It was harder than I thought. I cried all the way back to mom’s .

Talked to Sir, as soon as I heard his voice I started crying again. He asked why I was crying.. I tried to fluff it off and say I wasn’t . (I don’t fluff or lie well) He didn’t take that as an answer.  He calmed me down. He always does. He is calm where I am… not.

Went home and took a  shower. Cried some more. Just the whole realization that everything was just OVER. That all of these hopes and dreams that I had, with that home, with so many things … over. Frustrating, AGONIZING. My mom is hovering. ugh!

Tonite they are having a somewhat bday party for me as they will all be out of town for my birthday. Sir was invited. That should be fun.   He says that he is spending my bday with me, though he won’t tell me what the plans are. I guess this is fine I am a details person. Need to know them. Secrets drive me batty and are like torture. Even when the secrets are good.

My friends were supposed to go out and have a party with me but everyone will be out of town.  One gf’s husbands bday same day. And another gf’s sisters bday same day.  I have always had a birthday that coincides with something. Father’s day… social events … and even work events. hehe

i don’t mind sharing.

Thank you Georgie for the Quarante ? spelling? i like that almost as much as 30-10 french makes EVERYTHING sound better.

My friend Dougie K is a screenwriter. He has been trying to get me to date him. I keep telling him i am seeing sir. He lives in LA and was going to fly into vegas especially for my birthday. I had to tell him that I had things going on. I felt bad. He says he will fly me into Los Angeles next month. I am not sure why the sudden interest. Funny that people you like or are interested in are only interested in you when you are with someone and they KNOW you don’t do the cheat or disloyal thing.

Well it is Wednesday… I have had coffee. I am still tired but I actually slept last nite. yay!

2 days left of 39 and this fucking awful year will be over.

It hasn’t been all bad. There are bonuses throughout the year. My family loves me. I have good friends who love me. And I met Sir. I am hoping he likes me , cuz i really kinda like him, the person he is .

gotta go 2 minutes to dress AND curl my hair. UGH!

Tuesday makes me Tired…

Early day at work today. I have to be in early for a meeting ugh!  I hate Tuesdays.

I am moved in at the ..*cough* mom’s house. It makes me feel twelve. I have no privacy. Everything i say and do is being scrutinized. I keep telling myself “this is only temporary this is only temporary”  Moving from a four bedroom home to one small room is a bitch. I have too much stuff.

Spending alot of time with Sir. I like him. He is fun, I like that I can just spend time with him just .. being. that is kind of cool. The other day I moved my mattress which weighs WAY too much for me to lift. I got hurt. Plus I was sore from everything else I moved. We were going to go see a movie.  But he looked at me and said “nope, you are too tired. Let’s stay in have some dinner watch a video.” Which was in fact exactly what I needed. I am not certain i even made it through half of the movie.

Birthday is Friday… and omygoth I am so not looking forward to it. I usually LOVE my birthday. It is like my own personal holiday…. and you get presents …. I am so in for presents.  But my family is going to be out of town. It is the big one the Big 30-10 (add it don’t say it) There are NO “F” words allowed.  Well except for Fuck but we all knew that anyway. I think the birthday will come and pass like all the rest of my days this year… Quickly and without notice. Perhaps i will just stay my current age out of spite. UGH except I do have to renew my driver’s license… yay me

Not sure what else is up… Things are pretty good… I am pressin on.

Digging having a Dom. I need one truth be told… I am way too scattered. (hehe)

Today

Today is the day…

The last day in my home. I am finishing up packing. Finishing up storing things. Finishing. I am making strides in separating the last bits of life from my ex husband.

I am also working harder at not stressing on the little things. Trying to believe that i am where I need to be … FOR NOW.

I have gotten a few emails about the nature of this here blog … hehe

Let me address a couple of the concerns here… and those of you who emailed me will most likely get an email back .

When I started my “other blog”  in the beginning I made it clear that I was into BDSM.  More so the D/s  (Dom/sub) portion of this. I have a naturally submissive nature. It isn’t something I play.. It is something that I am. Which is probably why THIS blog makes much more sense to me, and the people who know me best understand this.  There has been concern that I am falling from one abusive relationship … into the realms of or shades of abuse by this being a lifestyle choice for me.

Let me try to explain briefly and I will most likely do another post… expanding on the issue. I am not into pain. I don’t get off on being beaten, or humiliated. I am not into very specific fetishes. In the D/s relationship, play and sexual activity is discussed beforehand … what is comfortable/what is not. What is frightening and what is ok . There is always a safeword when exploring certain areas of play. Sometimes there are contracts involved with what the each party is agreeable to.  D/s relationships are not just about sex… or discipline.. or the kinky stuff. They can be VERY loving. VERY longlasting… sometimes lifelong. I have limitations as far as what I am agreeable to, and any Dom that I would or am involved with would be/is fully aware of these limitations.

I am not giving up my independance. In fact I have made some changes in the last few days that ensures I am a bit more independant. I am not waiting on my life anymore. I am joining it and enjoying it.  I am going to talk to a couple of Dom’s that I know and perhaps they will under assumed identity will gladly write from their point of view. That would be special I think.

I like a strong man. I like a man who is in charge. This is all ok by me. I do want someone who will challenge me and grow with me. I also want someone whom I can be quiet with. Watch a movie with.. hold hands with and kiss. But, this is all something that my future or perspective Dom would know already. They would know everything there is to know about how fragile or strong I am . Good Dom’s know not to break but stretch.

Remember my friends…

Shibari in itself is the art and seduction of Japanese rope bondage.

I didn’t get the name lightly .. and I am not rushing into anything . I want to tell you how much I appreciate your concern and care and for being true friends to email me to say “hey… what is up with that”

You know well enough by now, that I will answer your questions… concerns … and hopefully this answered a few.

Squeezes and Sugars

Shi

Raw

Master~*

I am thinking of you tonite. I am feeling raw and uninvited.  Unmotivated.  Uninspired.

I am wishing you were here.  I am needing time with you . Time outside of my brain. Where I can focus on you … pleasing you.  I am in a place where i can’t decide what would hurt more… pain… or tenderness.

The sting of a paddle or flogger or crop… the way it would sound on my flesh.

or your arms around me while I am just able to breathe.

Lonliness is a terrible companion. She is bitter and prideful. How I long to be something to you.  

To have your collar…

To have your adoration… or love..

for you to have me.

I long for that day that i am not just a half… but whole with you.

I am broken until you find me.

or have you… I am not even certain. 

Shi

Needing out of my headspace

I am needing OUT of my headspace today. I am packing up my house. I am feeling vulnerable. I am feeling alone. Tired of being alone really. I can’t even cry because I am numb. The tears are right at the rim of my eyes but won’t even fall.  I am needing pain. Not alot but I am needing pain.  Just to seperate me from what I am feeling emotionally.

I .. pulled all the pictures that I can physically lift off of the wall. (by myself)

I will be seperating my winter and summer clothes and putting what i don’t need in storage.

I don’t like where I am today.  I don’t really have friends that live near enough that I can call and say …

“help me … please”

Nor do I even want to talk to anyone.

Acceptance is a tricky fucker. As much as you pray .. and plead God for a miracle… sometimes it just doesn’t show up. So.. you have to move on and just get with the program. Suck it up Slut. 

But I am tired of sucking it up and dealing. I am angry and frustrated. Broken emotionally.. need to be broken a bit physically. 

I need to breathe.

The ex says that .. i am not pretty … not special… not loveable. That I will never have anyone that will want me for more than an occasional fuck . Maybe all this is true.  I just know I want something more than OK. Better than par. No more mediocre. Mediocrity is pathetic. I think that I deserve more. I crave more than mediocrity.

I wonder Master … when you find me … or I find you… how will you perceive me… Will you want to keep me. Will I be your only sub? Will I be the one to finally “get me” To know that I am a little left of center. That I am quirky and silly and sometimes sad. Will you love me through eccentricity? Will you adore me and cherish me?  Will I be more than…mediocre? More than ok?

I just need to know that I matter. Somewhere I guess.

Emotional and unable to cry…

fuck I hate being a girl somedays.  Losing that whole cool edge because I have a uterus and ovaries totally kicks my ass occasionally.

but when I find you Master… you will know this about me . you will have to know all of my 100%’s.  This is who I am …

and I am anticipating you… with everything I am.

Meeting Sir Part 1

Well… interestingly enough i had gone online to check and see if my current bf K was trolling women from his alt.com account.  Yeah he was . I was pissed but what can you do?  I have had enough of cheaters. UGH!

Anyway in order to check I had to create a profile which was no picture and just a few snappy lines. Nothing special at all.

I to be truthful, had forgotten about the account and when I checked my email i had noticed that i had received some emails from the alt account. I blew them off for a couple of weeks actually. Didn’t know what to do .. and the people pleaser subbie in me felt compelled to go back and write to these people and apologize for not responding to their emails.

One picture kind of … caught my eye.  He was really kind of yummy and had left a sweet note. When I read his profile I thought … “wow” .

WOW!

I sent an email apologizing to him for not responding sooner. Said alot going on. Which is true… I sent the email and thought nothing more about it. But he wrote back, we exchanged email addresses and im’s . We began talking online and getting a feel for each other. Then we exchanged phone numbers. 

Talking about boundaries … likes dislikes. Different things… It was nice.

Typically I would not respond to someone like this. But i felt compelled to. Felt drawn to him. He is a Dom … a gentle Dom. Has a soft spoken voice. Very laid back and easy. Where with my recent past have become the very UN-cool and unconfident, nervous Shi that has moved into my headspace and … I fucking hate it.

Usually I am “whatever” … but now I feel so random and anxious. I want the uber cool me back.

With the anticipation of this being “something” but not sure of where it is going ….

He has set rules ..

1. no playing / masturbation .

–he is the only one allowed to pleasure me–

2. No talking to other Dom’s (minus the ones i already know that are just friends)

3. clean shaven.

This is no problem generally but… I have been lax since i have not been in a relationship and have definitely not been in any type of sexual relationship for 20 mos.

YIKES!

so a little overgrown is an understatment.

A week prior to him coming in town I decide to start looking into “waxing”. I decide that I will was myself and started on my eyebrows which was NO big deal. simple and didn’t hurt.

Then I chose to *cough* wax the area myself.

i applied the… wax to the place I thought would be the least painful. Ok let me start by saying there is NO less painful place. I attempted to … RIP the wax from my tender skin . I couldn’t do it … it hurt too bad.

Fuck me how do i get myself into these messes?

the was was stuck to the skin and everything else and I didn’t want to go through with it. AT ALL!

So I decide … I will finish with a depillatory cream.

4 minutes of fire from hell burning my skin i stepped in the shower and rinsed the cream off. and proceeded to try and …COAX the wax from my flesh.

All is good and was bare. yay…

except for the chemical burn in all the areas that underwear touches.

I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up something … and texted Sir ..

Sir~*

is it naughty that i am going to the store w/o panties?

 

He texted back

Why no panties Slut?

me..

because they hurt too bad to wear.

Him..

LOL

A couple days later I was feeling better AND wearing panties but wanted to send a tease to Sir.

Sir~*

Naughty question of the day

panties

or

no panties?

HIM: Why aren’t you wearing panties?

ME: I am I was just seeing your preference

HIM : When you are with me NO panties every other time panties ON.

whoopsie

The anticipation was building. Not too much longer til he would be back in town and we could see each other.

Part 2 will be here shortly…

I will share the rest I promise.

But  I do wonder if this is who i am looking for… If he will keep me.

it brings about the longing in my subbie heart.

The desire to be owned.

collared.

mmmm what yummy thoughts this brings to mind.

Today

So, today I am wondering if and when you will touch my body.

I am craving … desiring … hungering

for you

your strength.

your power.

your.. dominance.

I need your mouth on my ear telling me that I am yours …

what you want from me..

that i am your dirty girl… your wicked slut…

yeah… that is what I am needing.

take control

pull my hair

slap my ass

own me

own every gasp

every tear

every laugh

every bead of sweat

let it all belong to you.

I am waiting for you…