Needing out of my headspace
I am needing OUT of my headspace today. I am packing up my house. I am feeling vulnerable. I am feeling alone. Tired of being alone really. I can’t even cry because I am numb. The tears are right at the rim of my eyes but won’t even fall. I am needing pain. Not alot but I am needing pain. Just to seperate me from what I am feeling emotionally.
I .. pulled all the pictures that I can physically lift off of the wall. (by myself)
I will be seperating my winter and summer clothes and putting what i don’t need in storage.
I don’t like where I am today. I don’t really have friends that live near enough that I can call and say …
“help me … please”
Nor do I even want to talk to anyone.
Acceptance is a tricky fucker. As much as you pray .. and plead God for a miracle… sometimes it just doesn’t show up. So.. you have to move on and just get with the program. Suck it up Slut.
But I am tired of sucking it up and dealing. I am angry and frustrated. Broken emotionally.. need to be broken a bit physically.
I need to breathe.
The ex says that .. i am not pretty … not special… not loveable. That I will never have anyone that will want me for more than an occasional fuck . Maybe all this is true. I just know I want something more than OK. Better than par. No more mediocre. Mediocrity is pathetic. I think that I deserve more. I crave more than mediocrity.
I wonder Master … when you find me … or I find you… how will you perceive me… Will you want to keep me. Will I be your only sub? Will I be the one to finally “get me” To know that I am a little left of center. That I am quirky and silly and sometimes sad. Will you love me through eccentricity? Will you adore me and cherish me? Will I be more than…mediocre? More than ok?
I just need to know that I matter. Somewhere I guess.
Emotional and unable to cry…
fuck I hate being a girl somedays. Losing that whole cool edge because I have a uterus and ovaries totally kicks my ass occasionally.
but when I find you Master… you will know this about me . you will have to know all of my 100%’s. This is who I am …
and I am anticipating you… with everything I am.
you are pretty … you are very special… i am sure very loveable, and im sure a lot more than an occasional fuck, a lil off center perhaps, but that is what makes you so unique….
being broken takes time !!!
my best to you.
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Thank you Dark Horse… I appreciate that. Thanks for seeing me as I am
xhi
he will find you. and he will be pleased. very pleased to be able to give you everything you need.
Good luck.
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Sage I am so glad you said that… I am crossin my fingers… maybe my toes too hehe
xoxo
Hey
I recieved your email stating that you are starting a new blog. Good luck with this.
You seem like a beautiful, intelligent woman who has gone through some very trying times and is still finding her way ( we all are)
I try to be open minded and know that we all go through phases in life. I’m trying to understand this DOM thing. Call me niave I guess.
The thing I can’t understand is that if it becomes ones focus, how can anyone manage to have a “real relationship” that involves respecting and enjoying everything about another persons personality,spirituality,hobbies, etc.etc. anything else that doesn’t focus on the main primal passions revolving around sexuality. I would worry that even though sexuality is a form of communication, it isn’t the be all end all. And can to much focus in this area become more of a fantasy, obession?
I still think the best sex one will ever have is a sexual bond between two people who have a plan to be together to share all of lives ups and downs, and have mutual respect and enjoyment of each others separate identities and lives.
And of course, it should be fun, easy and have commonality.
I wish you all good things.
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TK~*
Thank you for commenting and I am really glad you wrote what you did. I am going to have to write and address your points.. I love that you openly addressed your thoughts… I can only show you my side… and perhaps the side of a few friends… hope you will be back to see whats up.
xoxo
you deserve to be loved
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Awww Hank you always make me smile
I am here. I have added you to my favorites. I have been following you through all your ventures. You Rock!
Flyinfox_SATX
Thanks Foxxy…
glad to have you stickin with me
your true Master is out there and you will stumble upon him when you least expect it. He will love you and cherish you like no other, because you are his sub.
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Mina…
have I told you how much I appreciate you … thank you thank you thank you
kisses,
Shi
good luck xxx wishing you peace …
Hey, I don’t really have anyone I can call either right now… This happens to so many of us in life… and you wonder how you’ll go on.
Why would that man say those things to you, even IF they were true? My ex said some pretty nasty and vindictive things to me when she didn’t have to. Shouldn’t the one leaving APOLOGIZE for the inconvenience/hell they’ve helped to cause?
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M@
Thanks for stoppin in … I totally understand… and AGREE wholeheartedly
Dick(head) is the unattractive one, he is special in his own sick little way, he is the one that is not loveable … who would be able to love him when they find out all of the shit that resides in him? You, on the other hand, are all of the good things … beautiful, loving so hard and so loving, so very special in a beautiful way. Dick(head) is out of your life, now and forever but every time a thought about him (good (if there is anything good), bad or ugly) crosses your mind, you allow him back in.
It is a difficult thing to do and it will take time but try not think about him, not recall any of the shit he has put you through. Remember, you’ll have the last laugh.
Love you babe
xoxox