30-10
It is for all intents and purposes the marker of my fortieth year.
I would like to say that i am wiser… or something . But all I can say is I am content. Which seems odd given the unusual and bitter turns that my life has taken this last year. I feel a little tired today. But it was really a great day. I woke up on time. I took a long shower. I wore makeup and curled my hair . (unusual for work but did it today) .
Sir was my first text message wishing me a Good Morning and a Happy Birthday. That was really nice.
When I got to work they had decorated my cubie with streamers and balloons it was AWESOME! I got to wear a Birthday Girl tiara all day, and Mindy made me a homemade killya chocolate cake. (yummmy)
I am feeling kind of disconnected.
Not really sure of myself “relationship” wise. With any of the people in my life. I feel very scattered and unsure of myself. I feel sometimes that I annoy Sir. I am a chronic apologizer.. and I worry, that I am doing the wrong thing all the time. He appears to be very patient with me, trys to understand my fears which tho are unfounded and irrational just … are.
He is always trying to get me to just :relax and be:
Which i am most appreciative of his calm nature.
But I am also unsure of myself around him. Or anyone for that matter. I never know how he or anyone else is really feeling. Alot of this is from the ex and being lied to for so long . I am not really sure when someone or if someone cares about me.
I am trying hard to put away my fears. To do better. To live without questioning every moment. Or worrying that there is someone in the background that has my life and has it better.
Today I have tried to remember all of the things that have been interesting in my life.
30-10 is a milestone.
So for fun .. I am letting go of the worrisome me and posting the quirky.. silly … short of center me-isms. Hopefully my future Master will like this part of me too.
Born in the 60s.. Alive during the Viet Nam war.
I remember Richard Nixon resigning.
I saw Gerald Ford slip and fall on t.v.
I remember Jimmy Carter being elected.. and his brother Billy and Billy Beer.
I remember the nite John Lennon was shot.
The nite Natalie Wood drowned.
I remember Stretch Armstrong, Rubiks Cubes, Dukes of Hazzard ( I kissed Luke Duke for reals) Wonder Woman and Bionic Woman ( I so wanted to be them) Mostly I just wanted to have cool sound effects and be able to change by turning in a circle. Jaws! ugh ruined the ocean for me … I will NeVER swim in the ocean because of it.
I remember The Berlin wall coming down. What a day that was . The space shuttle falling from the sky. Getting our first microwave. Beta then VHS. 8 track tapes, cassettes now cd’s WOW!
The Beatles… Joe Walsh… Duran Duran… (can I marry you john taylor?)
Speed Racer was my ultimate crush. Something about white polyester racing uniforms … YUM. Although Trixie needed to be bitch slapped on occasion. All the other little girls had barbie lunch pails.. and there I was with the mach 5 and speedy. I thought for sure he was real, and had full intention of being Mrs. Racer. (hehe)
I know who shot JR.
Doogie Howser, Quantum Leap… toilet papering cars for fun.
punk rock.. THE CLASH… getting the skank on… wooot!
Going blonde … Going RED … Going Brunette. Sometimes Pink … sometimes green.
MTV when it was about music.
Growing up small town.
Being loved by my grandparents.
running through irrigation water when it was hot in the summer. Picking peaches or cherries off the tree and eating them right there.
Remembering when the world was safe… and gas was 75cents a gallon.
my 1967 1968 and 1966 mustangs. Rebuilding the 68 with my dad. Him teaching me to change a tire… change my brakes… and my oil.
Ball STATE University.
Runnin REBELS victory !!! then defeat… Tark the shark!
Stacey Augamon (sp) picking up my books for me.
Danny Stopka #73 my first real boy crush.
James B my first real love and heartbreak.
Chris– my ex fiance… cheating bastard. taught me how not to trust him or my best friends.. ugh. lol
D- who gave me children.. then took them away. I was a mom for a time and it was a gift. This one is still a learning experience. I am learning to be stronger. Learning to stand on my own. Learning that alone is not a bad thing, or a bad place to start new.
Congratulations sweetheart …. quarante et voila, t’arrive.
I love your posts so far in this blog. You can definitely tell that a new, clearer mind is being born (again). Whether it be this Sir or another … it doesn’t matter does it? It is the new Pet, version 2.0
You will learn what you want and need, it will become clear. Right now you have just been born and already you have learned to crawl. It will be a journey, babe … you’ll learn new things along the way. New sides of you, new corners of your mind will open up to explore. It won’t always be a smooth ride or exploration but nothing as bad as what you have had in the past.
You’re getting on with your life, YOUR life and not anybody else’s.
The trip down memory lane was wonderful but I still have you beat on a few of them. You were born in the sixties and I lived through the sixties and I am still here to talk about it.
Over the next 10 baby, you’re going to kick the clock’s ass.
Love you.
xoxoxo
Happy B-Day + 1.
I understand that phase, when you feel like you have to apologize for everything because you aren’t sure what the person you’re seeing is really thinking/feeling. Believe me, if they really matter to you and you to them then that phases passes
The trip down memory lane was awesome but did MTV really ever play music videos?
I love the Clash. I once heard they were the only band that mattered. I’d throw Rancid in that category to though. I’ll tell you straight up that punk music never goes out of style. Neither does pink hair
If you dyed you’re hair pink I’d do mine blue again. Did it once in jr high. 
hey sexy
just want to say that I hope the next 30+10 are the best of your life.
I hope you find whatever it is you seek.
I hope you find a man that will treat you well and please you in every facet of your life and relationship.
Smile sexy!